Saturday, February 18, 2006

An honorary Darwin award?

This is NOT knitting or garden related at all. I am going to record here a story that sounds made up, but it is not. Sadly, it is absolutely true.

Be warned: this story is totally hilarious, but definitely off-color. If you offend easily, don't read below the line.

The story was related to me by my sister first, and I verified the facts with my mother. Mom heard it from her husband, who was told the story directly by his uncle. I have recorded only the facts, and am not exaggerating (for enhanced amusement value or any other reason).

Let me also emphasize that this uncle and the rest of the family in question are NOT blood relatives of mine. They are related only by marriage.


My stepfather's family is large and a bit odd. They are salt of the earth people that don't place emphasis on schooling. The family owns a fairly large piece of property in the far suburbs that they refer to as "the farm." At one time it was an actual working farm, but now it is pretty much a collection of odd buildings, machinery, one house, a few mobile homes housing various relatives, and whatnot. This family has experienced some pretty peculiar (and at times tragically sad) events.

So, my stepfather has this uncle: Uncle Butch. Apparently, Uncle Butch has been sleeping in the barn for several years. (Don't ask why; it's complicated.)

It's winter, and the nights are cold. Uncle Butch decided that he was tired of getting up during the cold night to urinate. (At a certain age, guys often need to do that, you know.) Uncle Butch's solution to the problem was to catherize himself.

Yes, that's right: he catherized himself.

Let's pause here for a moment to ponder a few details.

  • What did he use as a catheter? We don't know for sure what he used, but Uncle Butch is not in the medical profession. It's therefore highly likely he did not have access to real medical supplies.
  • How large was the tubing? We can only guess that he found some tubing somewhere small enough to pass through his urethra. We have no idea of the actual size, though.
  • What about the risk of infection? Well, Uncle Butch apparently realized this could be a problem, so he sterilized the tubing and his hands with rubbing alcohol first.

This scenario alone is bad enough to contemplate. Anyone who has had a catheter inserted knows that it is very uncomfortable to have one, and that the process of insertion is pretty bad. I understand that it is much worse for men, too. But, Uncle Butch thought it felt good. (Yes, those were the exact words: it felt good.)

Uncle Butch would take the catheter out during the day, and put it back at night. So, he went through the process of insertion and removal several times.

It gets worse.

One morning, the catheter tubing got stuck inside him. Uncle Butch could not get it out of his urethra. This made it really difficult to urinate. He was able to get some urine out by milking his penis, but not enough to relieve his swollen bladder.

Uncle Butch did visit a doctor. (This is a pretty extreme measure for a male member of this family. Usually they avoid doctors like the plague.) When he realized what was going on, the doctor directed him to the hospital. So, Uncle Butch then had to have "an operation" to remove the catheter tubing from his penis.

Apparently, the events above took place several weeks ago. I've only just heard about it, as my mother and stepfather were on vacation during the time it took place and therefore didn't know about it until recently. I can only imagine the exchange between my stepfather and Uncle Butch after my stepfather returned from vacation.

Uncle Butch: So, how was your vacation?
Stepfather: Pretty good. How'd things go here at the farm?
Uncle Butch: Not bad. I had to have an operation on my penis, though.
Stepfather: Say again. What?
Uncle Butch: Yeah, I got a tube stuck in my penis and had to have an operation to take it out.
Stepfather: [Total silence for about 20 seconds.] Why did you have a tube in your penis?
Uncle Butch: Well, it was like this...


Again, let me emphasize that this uncle and the rest of the family in question are NOT blood relatives of mine. They are related only by marriage.


Erica said...

Oh my, hee hee. That's the best laugh I've had in a few weeks! Your gloves are awesome, BTW!

Anonymous said...

Top 6 sequels to the Butch story:

6. Butch gets to be a patient on ER.

5. Butch realizes he could have avoided this whole thing by just peeing before he went to bed.

4. Butch applies to the Guiness Book of World Records but can't find anyone willing to be a witness.

3. Butch starts his own video podcast.

2. Butch gets a complete set of knitting needles next Christmas with a note: "Have a Blas".

1. The "Butch" line of home medical products: The Butch Skin Piercing Kit & Leather Punch. The Butch Brain Surgery Kit & Power Drill. The Butch Cavity Cure & Super Glue. The Butch Hemorhoid Treatment Kit & Electric Sander. And a warning label for the Butch Home Catheter: "Caution. Tube may snap in cold weather."

Anonymous said...

Ouch, Butch. I guess it's a good thing he lives in a barn. Imagine if he had access to a kitchen!